Talking Sex With a New Match: Flirt Before You Send the Whole List

You've exchanged three messages. You know they live nearby and like dogs. They now know your favourite toys, your preferred role in bed and what you expect them to wear on Thursday. Bit of a leap, champ.

Talking about sex can be fun, flirty and genuinely useful when you're getting to know someone. The trick is making it a conversation you both want, rather than sending a horny application form and waiting for the successful candidate.

Say what kind of connection you want early

If you're looking for something casual, say so. If you're already partnered and dating within an agreed arrangement, be clear about that. Those facts help someone decide whether they want to keep talking.

You can be direct without sounding cold: “I'm looking for something casual with someone I actually enjoy spending time with.” There, sex can be on the cards and you're still behaving like a person.

Our guide to saying you want casual goes into the practical details.

Find out if they want the sexy conversation

Make sure you're talking to another adult, then ask before getting into intimate details. “Fancy talking about what we're into?” gives them an easy way to say yes, not yet or no.

A flirty profile isn't an open invitation to every message you can think of. If they change the subject, follow their lead instead of sending the same idea with a wink attached.

When they're keen, lovely. You can stop guessing whether the conversation is welcome and start enjoying the fact that it is.

Share one thing and let them answer

You might mention liking toys, enjoying a bossy partner or being curious about dressing up. Then give them a chance to respond.

Their answer may be more interesting than the next twelve things you were about to list. Perhaps you both love teasing. Perhaps they're curious about the toy you've mentioned. Now you've got something to flirt about instead of two separate speeches.

Keep asking about them as a person too. Wanting casual sex doesn't mean you have to treat ordinary conversation as an unfortunate delay before the good bits.

Curiosity isn't a promise for later

Someone can enjoy talking about a fantasy and decide they don't want to try it. They can also fancy you in a chat and feel differently when you meet. Neither means you've been owed a particular night.

Be honest about your own uncertainty. “I'm curious, but haven't tried it” sounds far more believable than claiming mastery of everything in the shop.

If you're both ready for a more detailed conversation, our yes, no, maybe guide can help. Invite them to it. Don't assign homework to someone who only asked how your day was.

Photos need their own yes

A sexy chat doesn't automatically mean they want a nude. Ask first, and respect the privacy of anything they share with you.

Our intimate photo guide covers that separate decision. Your camera roll can wait a bloody minute.

The best early conversations leave you curious about each other. Be clear, be interested and let a little anticipation do its job. You don't have to reveal every bedroom preference before you've found out whether their laugh makes you want to kiss them.