Want a Shag but Can't Be Arsed Hosting? You're Allowed to Say That

You're absolutely up for seeing them naked. You've been thinking about it all week. You're less up for changing the sheets, finding a clean towel, hiding the washing, and buying something that isn't just half a jar of pesto. Somehow it's always your place. Somehow it's always your sheets.

Wanting sex and wanting someone at your place are two different things. You can want to climb all over a person, and also want to do it on a mattress you're not responsible for.

Say you want them, just not at yours

"I'd love to see you, but I'm not up for hosting. Can we go to yours?" is clear, and it's still keen. Add "I've been thinking about what I'd do to you", and they'll forgive any inconvenience. You don't have to give a reason. Maybe you want privacy, you're tired of all the preparation or you've got flatmates. If their place doesn't work either, make a plan for another day. Being horny isn't an emergency.

Convenient doesn't mean permanently available

Perhaps you live alone, have the bigger bed or are closer to their work. That's handy, but it doesn't mean it's always your job. A routine can become uneven without anyone meaning it to. Say what you'd like to change. If you're seeing each other casually, our guide to clear casual expectations can help.

Ask them to share the effort

If you want to host, but you can't face organising everything, ask for something useful. Be specific. "Can you bring dinner?" is much easier to act on than hoping they'll notice the empty fridge. "Bring lube. The good stuff." is a very promising text to receive. A bottle of Wet Stuff Secrets and some takeaway's a perfectly decent way to say thanks.

And let the house look lived in. Clean bedding, a decent bathroom and some privacy are all you need. Nobody's come over to check your skirting boards. Guests can do their bit, too, by respecting shared spaces and your things. Being invited over doesn't mean you get to use the good towel on your arse.

Agree when the visit ends

An evening together and an overnight stay are two different invitations. If you want your bed back afterwards, say so before anyone's taken their shoes off. Our hookup sleepover guide covers that choice. You can really enjoy sex with someone and still want to sleep diagonally.

Shared homes need some consideration, too. Stick to your household agreements about guests, and give your flatmates fair warning.

Hosting should be something you choose, not a chore you accept to prove you're keen. You're very keen. You'd just prefer to be keen somewhere else tonight, on someone else's sheets, with someone else doing the washing in the morning.