Friends With Benefits, Until One of You Wants Brunch Every Sunday

It started with a friend you wanted to fuck and a fairly straightforward plan: enjoy the sex, keep it casual, nobody gets hurt. It's been brilliant. They know exactly what you like, and there's no drama. Now it's Sunday, you're looking at them across a plate of eggs, and you've just realised you're feeling things. Oh, for fuck's sake.

You're allowed to want more than you wanted at the start. They're allowed to still want the original plan. The only thing that makes it worse is pretending you're not sitting there thinking about it.

What does "more" mean to you?

Do you want exclusivity? Proper dates? More time together that doesn't start with a late-night message? Or are you just having a nice morning? Be honest about which. Wanting to spend Sunday together is different from wanting them to stop sleeping with other people. And don't make breakfast do all the explaining. People can enjoy sex, cuddles and eggs without secretly planning a wedding.

Tell them before the next shag

Choose a moment when you're both dressed and have time to talk. "I've started wanting more than casual. How do you feel?" is enough. You don't need a folder of evidence showing they acted like a partner last Tuesday. Say what's changed for you, and if you're not sure yet, say that too. You can be confused and still be honest.

Believe the answer they give you

If they want a relationship too, that's great. Talk about what it means, including exclusivity. If they want to stay casual, take that seriously. Being funnier, sexier or permanently available isn't a relationship strategy. And if they need time to think, agree on when you'll talk again, as "maybe one day" can keep you waiting for a very long time.

Does casual still work for you?

Would you choose this if you knew it'd stay exactly as it is? That's a much better question than "how can I change their mind?" You may decide you still love it. You may decide that the sex is great, but the rest of it now hurts too much. If you're the one who wants to stay casual, be clear about it. Don't keep someone's hopes alive just because you enjoy the sex. Our guide to saying casual without sounding cold can help.

You can stop the sex and give the friendship some room

Going straight back to being ordinary friends may feel easy, or it may feel shit for a while. You can take some space and stop the sex for now. Keep mutual friends out of the job of persuading anyone, and don't use the group chat as a jury.

In the meantime, you've still got needs, and a toy doesn't come with any complicated feelings. The Maia Flora never wants brunch.

A friendship can matter even when the sex has to end. Say what you want now, hear what they want now, and go from there. Those were some very good eggs, though.